Tochechah

"Loving rebuke" or tochechah is a part of the community life of the school.

The concept behind tochechah is that we love our neighbors enough to engage them in kind rebuke and correction when we see them err. To err is human, to forgive divine, and to remind an obligation of Judaism. The process of tochechha is a kind process, one meant to cause attention to mistakes without causing the person to feel undue remorse at the mistake.

Why do we engage in tochechah?

Tochechah, the art of caring criticism, always occurs in a context. We are created ‘in the image of God’ with both good and bad inclinations and given our imperfections, we require both hakarat hatov--recognition of the good--and tochechah--sincere and supportive criticism.

In Genesis 2:18, we learn “It is not good for a person to be alone. I (God) will make for him an ezer-kenegdo (helper-over/against him).” We are interdependent and responsible for one another, which means that we must first support and also challenge one other. At our best, we function as tzitzit, sacred reminders of what it means to live lives of holiness (kedusha), mutual responsibility (areyvut) and dignity (kavod habriyot). The purpose of tochechah is growth, repair, and transformation—teshuvah and tikkun atzmi. ...

What is the process involved in tochechah?

Caring criticism is a norm and an aspiration. We are challenged by its standards and we strive, in our imperfections, to fulfill them. Here are some guidelines for the art of criticism.

1. We all have an obligation to engage in caring criticism (and recognition of the good), whether we are teachers or students (Babba Metzia 31a)

2. Caring criticism must be delivered from a place of humility, beginning with the premise that I do not possess the whole picture. Maimonides teaches that we begin with a question? Why did you behave in such and such a way? Help me to understand something that does not yet make sense.

3. Rashi, quoting the Talmud, teaches: Never whiten another’s face in front of others. Avoid public embarrassment.

4. From Bruria, we learn to separate the sin from the sinner or the deed from the person. While we are responsible for our deeds, we are more than our deeds and are always capable of teshuvah.

5. Finally, Rabbi Ile'a taught in the name of Rabbi Eleazar: Just as one is commanded to say that which will be heard, so too is one commanded not to say that which will not be heard. This challenges us to ponder under what conditions caring criticism can be heard both by ourselves and by others.